


Life's Not Fair

by JestaAriadne (still_intrepid)



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: Crack, Gen, author insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-11
Updated: 2002-02-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 03:44:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_intrepid/pseuds/JestaAriadne
Summary: In which I, the author, attempt to defend Macavity from charges of kidnapping, disturbing the peace and... stealing a tape recorder?!  And he works against me every darn step of the way.





	Life's Not Fair

**Author's Note:**

> Pffff this was like one of the first things I wrote for CATS. Something for the Maccy fans. I did my best...

The tall ginger cat stared coolly at me from over the black box of the tape recorder.

"You know this is far from original?" he asked, " _Kind_ people such as yourself have been trying to excuse me from being the evil cat I am... NOT..." he took a split second to recover himself from that slight lapse, "for years."

"Well," I said, reasonably enough, "it hasn't actually _worked_ so far, has it? I mean, they're still churning out those Macavity-kills-a-load-of-Jellicles-for-no-apparent-reason-other-than-he-is-bored-and-there's-nothing-decent-on-TV scenarios..." I mentally replayed my last sentence. NOT an easy task, I may say, when it was as - well, weird, as that one. "OK, I made up the TV part... but you see my point?"

Macavity was still looking very nonplussed. "But what makes you think this time it's going to work?"

I pointed at the tape recorder. "That."

He pointed at it too. "It's a _box_ ," he said slowly, looking at me worriedly.

"It's a _tape recorder._ "

"Uh huh..." Macavity gave me another annoying superior look, as if trying to suggest that _I_ was the stupid one.

"It records everything you say so you can play it back later! Duh!"

"OK, OK! No need to get in a mood! How the heck was I suppose to know that? I'm a cat!"

"Well- haven't you stolen any ever?"

He growled.

"Right.... obviously not." I seized on this as a good conversation starter. "So," I said, surreptiously pressing the _record_ button, "You say, do you not, that you have _not_ in fact stolen _any_ tape recorders, contrary to popular belief?"

"You what? That's not popular belief is it?"

I wondered how sensitive the microphone was. I decided to chance it. " _No_ ," I hissed as quietly as I could, "but that at least is something you can really say and prove you did NOT do."

Macavity cleared his throat and addressed the microphone professionally. "Ahem. I would like to state that contrary to popular belief, I am totally innocent of the charge brought against me of the theft of multiple tape recorders."

I nodded my approval. "Very good," I muttered, trying to cover the mic with my hand. "Do this a lot, do you?"

"What do you think??"

Right. Well, that got the charge of theft at least partially out of the way... I shuffled through my thick wodge of index cards for a suitable next topic. My eyes fell on a likely looking note I'd scribbled in blue biro. It wouldn't be an easy one to disprove, but it had to be said. I read: "What's with this whole Demeter obsession thing anyway?" I grimaced. Could do with some slight rephrasing...

"So, Macavity..." I paused in thought for a moment, hoping to seem dignified and also have time to think just how to put this. Unfortunately, he had to come in with:

"That's my name. Don't wear it out."

Sigh. "So... It has been, er, alledged... that you have had a relationship of sorts with one Demeter, a relationship consisting mainly of multiple catnappings on your part. How do you plead?"

"Oh for pity's sake..."

" _How do you plead_?" I asked again, glaring at him.

"Not guilty, duh! I've only ever seen the girl at the ball!"

"-Where you attempted to catnap her...?"

"No! Well, yes, well.... I wasn't trying to catnap _her..._ to be honest, I thought she was Old Deuteronomy!"

My mouth dropped wide open. "??????" I said. (!) How was I supposed to defend _that_ claim?

"I have cataracts, OK!?!"

"What?"

"Look, ask my vet," he sighed. "It's in the medical records."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" I said, having given up somewhat on my professional defence lawyer attidude... "You have a vet? I thought you were a stray!"

He shook his ginger maned head sadly. "Now, why!" he exclaimed passionately, " _Why?_ WHY do people always _assume_ that I am a stray?"

"Well," I shot him back one of those superior looks, "and I quote, 'His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.' Maybe, just maybe that has _something_ to do with it?"

He glowered. Not glared, glowered. There's a difference, I'm sure... "Oh honestly, since when do people _comb_ their cat's whiskers? If anyone tried to comb _my_ whiskers, why I'd-"

"You'd???" I interuppted desperately.

He sagged and directed full glare power and the tape recorder. "That is... I'd politely instruct them to desist and possibly file a case for assault. I would _NOT_ of course disfigure their face in anyway. Or their furniture for that matter. Under NO circumstances would I tear their sweater to ribbons or-"

"Right, right, that's enough!! Alright, just cos your whiskers are uncombed doesn't make you a stray! Fine!" I rubbed my temples. "But still, 'His coat is dusty from _neglect_....' What do you say to that?"

Macavity looked away for a moment and when he looked back at me, I was _very_ surprised to see tears glistening in his eyes, particularly as cats can't cry. "My- my owners... are not- very nice people..." he said quietly.

"I'm sorry." Ah. Clearly a rather touchy subject... Well then, back to the Ball, I suppose.... And there was certainly a little matter that required attention. "If you were actually trying to catnap Old Deuteronomy not Demeter..."

"Which I most certainly was!" he affirmed. I resisted with difficultly the urge to bang my head on the table... His head would have been a lot more fun...

"- but _why_ were you trying to catnap Old Deuteronomy in the first place??" I screamed at the clearly incompetant Napoleon of Crime.

"I wasn't," he said smoothly.

"You weren't?"

"No."

"Right.... Please elaborate."

"OK- here's my case. Did anyone actually see me trying to catnap Old Deuteronomy?"

I wondered where this arguement was going....

Obviously no one answered him and he seemed to take this as a vindication. "There! See?"

I blinked. "Um... Is that it?" Some arguement!! "We _did_ however, see you order your henchrats to catnap him. We quite distinctly saw them throw a big net over his head and run off with him."

He shook his head pityingly. "For a start, I did not order them to do anything. For another thing; they weren't rats. They were cats. They were actually kittens."

"Yes?" I should have stopped him there, I knew I should have, but...

"Yes! They were evil little kittens! They were in fact Victoria and Electra!"

I shut my eyes. When I opened them, he was still there, still talking and it was really _not_ a dream. "Victoria and Electra...?" I asked vaguely, sure I was getting a migraine.

"Yup, that's it, Victoria and Etcetera!"

I started shaking my head vigourously in spite of the pain that was developing there. He did not get the hint.

"Electra and Etcetera, oh those two," he threw in a slightly-less-evil-than-usual laugh, "they're the real villains here!"

My hand slammed down on the stop button. "Macavity!!!" I yelled. "Can't you at least work out a _decent_ excuse? Or at least a _consistent_ one?? I thought you were supposed to have loads of alibis!"

"I never said they were any good..." he said meekly, visibly cowering.

I took a few deep breaths. "OK Right, well." Grr. I sure hope all you Maccy fans realise just how _irritating_ the guy was being!!

I looked at my index cards again. There were such gems as: "What the heck is it with you and Bomba?", "So what is it with Mungojerrie working for you?" and "What is it with the whole you being evil deal anyway?" Hmm. Definitely need to work on my variety of language a bit. _Wait a minute_ I thought back again something I should be certainly improving at at this rate We'd talked about: vets, and furniture, and *sigh* _evil kittens!_ But Macavity had yet to come up with a plausible excuse for him not kidnapping Old Deuteronomy.

"OK," I said for about the hundredth time, ironically, since I'd just worried about my limited vocab "Let's just say that those scruffy rat/cat characters had _nothing whatsoever to do with you,_ let's just say that, but still, when I put this tape recorder back on, you need to have thought of some reason why you suddenly started wandering around dressed up as Old Deut!"

"Oh _that._ Well, when I saw those - cats - take off with our beloved leader like that, all I could do was try to bring a little happiness back to the ball." I stared. That was almost plausible! He went on: "I'll admit I did impersonate the old guy, but I had good intentions. And don't you think there's a little prejudice going on? I mean, if it had been - _Munkustrap_ or someone dressed up, then you'd all think it was so nice of him and yadayada"

"Yeah, I see your point"

But Macavity was clearly getting into his home stretch now, preparing to spout his who "Life's Not Fair" spiel. I quickly pressed record, just in case.

"- You see, there's always some cats who have it lucky. Some cats can just go through life and have it all their own way. Everyone likes them. Now, see, I'm not one of those cats-"

I tried hard to stifle a snort of laughter. "Y'think?" I muttered.

"- and for me, it's just not easy. I can't go a single day at least one paranoid Jellicle yelling MACAVITY! and running off screaming, and then some big boy trying to _kill_ me- I mean honestly, that's not nice. And so I've learned to be tough! You can try to blame me for my life, but that's just the hand that Fate has dealt out for me." I'll admit it. He was a genius. Sporadically, yes, and he talked in clichés, but on occasion, a real genius. "So I have to kill a couple-"

Oops So maybe I was wrong about the genius thing I think my earlier impression of incompetent and irritating was more on track I frantically drew my finger back and forth across my throat. _Cut it out!!!_

"Erm, yeah," he continued, "I er may have to kill a bit of _time_ cos I'm er waiting for a better day, but I must just keep on striving for it!! See, I don't have it easy like some other cats. Some cats just-"

I was getting the feeling I'd heard this before

"- have it so easy! They could have dressed up as Old Deuteronomy and no one would have minded! Cats like Mistoffeles and Munkustrap and Jennyanydots-"

I really laughed this time Somehow, I think there _would_ have been some serious objection to Jenny cross-dressing at the Jellicle Ball

Macavity stopped short. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing Look, what say we wrap it up now? This is a 90 minute tape and erm" How do you put a thought such as 'I really don't think I can take it anymore, I'm getting a serious headache, and your rhetoric is really just painful' into a few choice, non-offensive words? I didn't try. "- although there's still loads to discuss, I think we should leave it for another time when we're feeling less, um like we're ready to kill each other, K?"

Macavity looked relieved in the end. "Yeah, I'd say that'd work."

We shook hands tightly. As in the edgy, uncomfortable sense of the word, not like - shudder -  _friends_ or anything. I wished I had claws.

He disappeared. "Macavity's not there," I muttered sardonically, by way of farewell.

Well, I thought, let's see what we've got on tape. I turned to the table.

A little black tape lay alone in the centre of it. The electric socket in the wall was unoccupied. There was the sound of distant evil laughter.

I suppose there's a first time for everything.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written in 2002 and posted to ao3 for safekeeping in 2018.
> 
> I'm not sure it entirely makes sense...


End file.
